From The Advice Column Of The Demon Noreel
20250516
Prompt from DailyPrompt.com
[O Noreel, liege of fools, I beseech thee for advice. My upstairs neighbour is a right burk and clomps about at all hours. It’s driving me spare. How do I approach him about this rudeness without making things awkward?
Your loyal supplicant, Carl]
FEAR NOT, PUNY MORTAL, FOR I, NOREEL, BEAR WISDOM TOO VAST FOR YOUR COMPREHENSION!
In cases such as this, I recommend murder. Murder is an effective resolver of over 99% of noise complaints, particularly if you prevent the corpse from being possessed. Given human’s weak-willed and trusting nature, a common kitchen knife paired with the element of surprise should be sufficient. Should your pathetic mortal mind require further guidance contact Officiant Leslie for step-by-step instructions.
PS If you summon me within the victim’s apartment afterwards, I will graciously devour his corpse and any remnants of his soul, preventing possession shenanigans and also saving you the effort of chopping him into pieces for disposal. REVEL IN MY GRACIOUSNESS!
Hugs and kisses, your demonic liege.
ETA I have been advised that murder is considered an “unreasonable response” to noise complaints. No wonder the mortal realm is going to shit. However, in my eternal supportiveness, I understand your craven natures. I therefore recommend cursing. Specifically, cursing your neighbour with complete paralysis will prevent him from making any noise! And since you are situated right below his living space you have the perfect conditions to curse him without leaving the comfort of your home. The process is fairly simple and shouldn’t require more than a few purchases. I recommend the following:
ETA I have been informed that curses are considered “supernatural assault” and that sharing the above spell is “ill advised”. Leslie has insisted on deleting it. Fine. Mind control, while far more tedious to achieve, should still be within your feeble abilities with proper practice, at least enough to force your neighbour to buy and wear extremely puffy slippers. To begin with:
ETA APPARENTLY HUMANS HATE EFFECTIVE PROBLEM SOLVING. FINE! Fine. I recommend gouging your own ears out and bewailing your contemptible nature. If you cannot even do that I am happy to perform the torture myself to get this stupid question resolved.
Hi, Les here. Just wanted to update everyone that Noreel’s guidance re slippers worked out great. Carl says his neighbour turned out to have health issues which required frequent movement and wasn’t aware the noise carried so far. The neighbour’s now making sure to wear soft slippers and the next cult fundraiser is for getting him an elliptical machine. Details will be in the congregation bulletin.
All hail Noreel!
Prompt was "Write a chapter of a self-help book written by the absolute worst person to receive this kind of advice from."
[I deviated from the prompt because the "ETA" gag popped into my head and I loved it. Also, for the first appearance of Noreel and Leslie, see here.]